To Replace the Irreplaceable
by liberty-phoenix
Summary: During the war against Voldemort Hermione lost a person who was always very close to her. How will she handle it? Who will be there to help her through it? Will she ever dare to love someone again?
1. Chapter 1

AN: I started this story a couple of years ago, but only just recently got so far with it that I thought there is actually a chance that I'll finish it soon enough. While it does deal slightly with the topic of death, it doesn't do this in any vulgar or explicit way. It revolves more about how survivors deal with the death of a loved one. It is a sensitive subject though, so I rated it T to be on the safe side. Please let me know what you think of it. Constructive criticism will be much appreciated.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Everything you might recognise belongs to JK Rowling and various publishers.

Chapter One.

Hermione wrapped the fluffy bathrobe around herself and tiptoed silently through the hallway and down into the kitchen. 12 Grimmauld Place was silent and dark, everyone was asleep and she didn't want to wake them. She opened the door to the garden, careful not to make a sound, and walked out. She was greeted by cold and complete darkness. It was late December and freezing, and the light from the street lamps at the other side of the house was kept from the garden by the magical wards surrounding the house. Hermione sat down on the cold terrace floor and looked up into the sky. The stars sparkled down at her and a thin slice of moon could be seen; it was a new moon, apparently.

A tear travelled down her cheek and she sniffed and brushed it away roughly, only to have many more falling. She knew she ought to be happy, now that the war had ended, but she just couldn't. They had defeated Voldemort just two days before, but Hermione just couldn't find any joy within her. She had lost her dad the day before the "final battle" as people liked to call it, and since then she had acted on autopilot. She had acted strong in front of everyone and done what was expected of her, but inside she was breaking. She didn't like to be alone anymore, because when she was she couldn't keep up her facade, she couldn't fool herself, and when she lay in her bed, in the dark all alone she would often cry herself to sleep, and sometimes, like tonight, she would come out here, so she was sure she didn't disturb anyone.

She missed her dad terribly, the two of them had always been very close, and they understood each other like few. They had the same interests, and used to do so many things together, and he was the one Hermione would always confide in if she had any problems. He was the one she had talked to about the on-going war in the wizarding world, he had worried about her, but he trusted her enough to let her stay and help out all she could, and he had been proud of her when she told him about all that happened. A small sob escaped her as she remembered her dad's proud face and realised she would never see it again, they would never laugh together over some lame joke, they would never sit down and research some project one of them had stumbled across and found interesting, he would never ask about how her day had been again, and Hermione missed it all terribly. They had so much in common and she had so many great memories of all they had done together. And she couldn't bear the thought of not gaining any more.

And what more was, she was alone. The Death Eaters had attacked her parents' house the day before the final battle, but had only managed to kill her dad. Her mom had survived, but she had been hurt, and Dumbledore had made sure she had been removed to a safe wizard's hospital in the USA immediately after the attack, and while she was much better now, they wouldn't let her go back to England because there were still free Death Eaters out there who might try and hurt her, and the wouldn't let Hermione visit her, because Death Eaters might be able to track down her magic. And to top it all, it was Christmas in just a few days.

Hermione drew in a shaky breath. She had no idea how long she had been sitting out in the garden, and she didn't care. It had begun to snow lightly, and she knew she was likely to catch a foul cold if she stayed out there much longer, wearing almost nothing, but right at this point she just hoped it would take her mind off all the pain, loss and emptiness she was feeling.

"Hermione?" she heard a soft baritone behind her, "What are you doing out here?" Hermione turned around to look at Remus Lupin who leaned casually against the doorframe, and frantically tried to wipe her eyes.

"That's none of your business!" she snapped. But instead of leaving Remus came and sat down beside her.

"Please tell me what's wrong Hermione, I just want to help you," he said.

"I already told you nothing is wrong!" Hermione said sternly and turned away from him, while she frantically tried keeping any more tears from falling.

"Hermione there's no need to try and build up your facade in front of me again, it's already broken, and I can see through it," Remus sounded serious, "There's obviously something wrong, you're sitting on the terrace in minus 10 degrees only wearing a bathrobe; that's not the Hermione I know. Please talk to me, tell me what's wrong, you need it." Hermione remained silent, and Remus sighed and put his arm around her comfortingly.

"It's your dad, isn't it?" He asked, and Hermione just nodded. She drew in a shaky breath and then she broke down completely.

"I just miss him so much," she cried and buried her head in his shoulder. Remus held her closer while she cried and stroked her back. When she calmed down Remus looked at her seriously.

"Come on, let's go inside, you're going to catch your death of a cold if we stay out here. I'll make us a cup of tea and then we'll talk everything through," he spoke softly and Hermione smiled at him through her tears and stood up slowly.

The two of them sat down in the soft sofa in the library with each their cup of steaming hot tea and Hermione sighed, then grew completely silent again. Remus just looked at her and they sat in silence for a while.

"How are you feeling Hermione?" Remus asked after a moment.

"I miss him... so much" she sighed, "I can't really believe he's not here anymore, that I'm never going to see him again... I don't want to believe it I suppose..."

"Of course you don't," Remus said, "You love him very much, don't you?"

"Yeah... Sometimes it's hard to understand how people can have a relationship as close as ours... We knew each other very well... I don't think I've ever been in a situation where I couldn't tell exactly what my dad would do, and vice versa, I'm sure... It sounds odd, but we had some kind of special connection... We were very much alike too..."

"In what ways?" Remus asked, sounding interested.

"Well, personality wise... mostly. We had the same interests and very often we'd deal with tough situations quite similarly... We both had a way of analysing the problems and finding more than one solution before trying to solve it... We were both quite rational... And now it's as if I can't think that rationally anymore... It's annoying..."

"It's not that you can't anymore Hermione," Remus said, "I just don't think you've had the cool overview you usually have for these past few days, and it's quite understandable." Hermione didn't say anything.

"Hermione why haven't you talked to anyone yet?" Remus asked. Hermione sighed.

"You know I've always been the rational one... A rock for all the others. Whenever Harry and Ron, or anyone else found it hard to deal with things they would lean on me, because I was strong, I could deal with it. How do you think they would react if I broke down in front of them?" Now it was Remus' turn to remain silent. He knew Hermione was right, a lot of people would not be able to deal with her breaking down, but in the other hand he didn't think she should let that ruin herself.

"Well... You obviously still know how to be rational... There's gone a lot of thinking into that decision... But I'm not sure you've chosen the right solution this time. You're possibly right that some people wouldn't be able handle a breakdown from you very well, but when you're not talking about it and ball it all up inside you destroy yourself instead. It's much worse when you're alone with it," he said after a while.

"I know... It's just... I don't... I don't dare do anything that might upset anyone, because I couldn't... I couldn't possibly bear to lose anymore people I care about," Hermione cried silently and she bit her lip trying to hold it back. Remus placed his arm around her and she once again buried her head in his shoulder. Remus let her sit liked that until she calmed down and fell asleep. He gently lifted her small body off the couch and carried her into her room. As he stood to leave Hermione opened her eyes slightly.

"Please stay," she whispered. Remus sat down on her bed and leaned against the bedpost and let Hermione lean against him. They sat like that for a while until they both dosed off to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **Obviously I do not own Harry Potter! Everything you recognise belongs to JK Rowling and various publishers. _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy _ is the property of Douglas Adams.

**AN: **So here's chapter two, I hope you like it. Please let me know what you think about it, there's nothing an author likes better than a review, and I'd like your opinions so I might make the story better, thanks.

To Replace the Irreplaceable

Chapter 2

Remus woke up first the next morning and he quietly snook out of the room and down into the kitchen where he was met by Molly Weasley and a plate of warm eggs.

"'Morning Remus, slept well?" she asked energetically.

"Yes thank you, Molly," he answered as he sat down. Ron, Harry and George soon joined the two of them and the quiet morning was suddenly not so quiet anymore.

"Have anyone seen Hermione today?" Molly asked after a short moment. The boys all shook their heads.

"Perhaps she's still in bed," Remus said, careful not to say too much, as he was certain Hermione wouldn't appreciate it if he told them about their talk that night.

"But she's usually the first one down here, and I need her to help me with this new cleaning potion. Perhaps I should go wake her." Molly was already on her way out of the door when Remus stopped her.

"Molly, let her sleep," he said, "She might need it, she's been through a lot. Find Severus and get him to help you with that potion instead."

"But he's so unpleasant, and I just can't deal with that today," Molly started to argue, but Remus cut her off seriously.

"Let Hermione sleep Molly. If she wants to help you with the potion she can do so when she wakes up." Molly looked angrily at him, but instead of arguing she sat down at the table again. The boys looked at Molly and Remus and hurried to finish their food.

"You needn't have talked to me like that!" Molly said indignantly when the boys had left the room.

"Molly have you any idea what this girl has been through in these past days? Have you any idea how much she has lost? And you all still treat her as if nothing happened," Remus said. His voice was serious and stern.

"Hermione is a strong girl, she will be fine. She has to keep on going and live her life," Molly argued.

"Molly do you honestly think she doesn't need to be treated a little differently, that she can really keep on going like nothing ever happened?"

"But she's doing fine Remus, really, I don't see why you worry so much," Molly said, "Now if you'll excuse me, I've got work to do." She walked out of the kitchen, probably to go cleaning somewhere, and Remus leaned his head on his hand and sighed. He understood Hermione's decision to keep up her facade much better now. Even Molly refused to see that she wasn't as fine as she said she was. For some reason they were all in some state of denial where Hermione was concerned, and so far the only one who had been able to see it was Hermione, and once again she had decided to sacrifice herself for the better of all the others. He admired her strength, but he was still sure she needed someone to be strong for her right now, someone for her to lean on. And if no one else would give that to her, he would.

--

When Hermione still hadn't showed herself at noon Remus went to see if she was all right. She was still in bed and she had the covers pulled tightly around her. He sat down at the edge of her bed and stroked her hair.

"Something wrong Hermione?" he asked softly. She looked up at him and sniffed.

"I just don't feel very well," she said, her voice thick.

"How long did you sit out there last night?" Remus asked.

"I don't know," Hermione answered weakly, "a few hours, I think..." Remus laughed softly.

"I'm not surprised you don't feel well," he said, "Listen, stay here, I'll get you a cup of camomile tea and something to eat." Hermione just nodded and Remus stood up and went down into the kitchen. He stepped into the room again a couple of minutes later with a tray with some toast and a mug filled with tea.

"Here you go," he said and put the tray down at her bedside table.

"Thank you," Hermione whispered and sat up with her back against her pillows. Remus reached out a hand to touch her forehead, it was burning and she probably had a fever. Hermione reached for the tea and took a sip.

"I feel like shit," she said.

"That's because you're ill, you have a fever, " Remus said, sounding much like you do when you're trying to explain something complex to a small child. Hermione laughed dryly.

"Seriously," she got out, "I can't even read... I tried to this morning, but the letters just keep changing places and dancing around on the paper..." Remus chuckled.

"Yeah I see, that's a huge problem..." he said in an ironic tone.

"Yes it is, I'm bored out of my mind" Hermione whined, "But if I went down Mrs. Weasley would just send me straight to bed again."

"Yes she would, and I'd help her," Remus said, then after a while he added, "Do you want me to read for you, that way you won't be so bored?" Hermione looked up at him.

"Would you do that? For me?" she asked in a small voice.

"You look like you could use some company and entertainment," Remus just answered, "and I have nothing better to do anyway. However I do refuse to read aloud from any schoolbook."

"That's all right," Hermione smiled at him, "I've been wanting to start on 'the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy' for a while now, I've heard it should be rather good... It's in the top drawer of the bed side table..." Remus found the book and opened it on the first page.

"It is good, I read it as a child," he said softly, "scoot over." Hermione moved to one side and let Remus sit beside her, and he started to read.

"Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun..."

Most of the afternoon went by like that, and Remus managed to read quite far into the book. He didn't stop until Molly called them all down to dinner at 6.

"Should I come up with a tray or do you think you're well enough to come down and eat?" Remus asked as he closed the book and placed at the bedside table.

"I feel much better now, so I think I'll come down," Hermione said. She got out of bed and wrapped her fluffy bath rope around her and stepped into her slippers.

"Listen Remus, thank you," she said when he got off the bed.

"What for?" he asked, just a tad bit confused.

"Everything," Hermione said, "For being there last night, for telling me everything I needed to hear, for keeping me company today... I think I needed the company of someone mature enough to understand..."

"It's fine Hermione," he answered, "Come on." He placed his arm around her shoulders and walked her down to the kitchen.

--

"How are you feeling Hermione?" Ginny asked as Hermione took a seat across from her. Hermione just wrinkled her nose and sighed. She felt a little faint, even from the short walk down to the kitchen. Remus silently sat down beside her and said nothing. Ron sat down at her other side with Harry across from him and they started talking immediately, not sensing that she wasn't really in the mood for conversation. But she did her best to seem interested in their incessant babbling about quidditch. She nodded, said yes and no, at the right times and all the while she picked a little at her food. Ginny soon joined in on the conversation, thinking that Hermione was probably just feeling a little ill, but otherwise fine. Remus watched the group carefully all through dinner. He couldn't decide whether to admire her for her astounding acting talent, or be mad at her for not telling the truth, or whether to be mad at her friends for so obviously not sensing anything out of the ordinary. He was angry with them, they refused to see the truth and he felt sorry for Hermione, because she did not deserve to be treated like that.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: I apologise for the long delay in posting this. College took up most of my time these past few years, and I haven't written anything new in a very long time. I don't want to abandon this story though, and I hope I will find the time to finish it soon. Please read and review, constructive criticism is always greatly appreciated.

Chapter 3

Hermione went to bed again soon after dinner, curled up with Crookshanks and slept through the night, and when she woke up the next morning she felt much better. She was up early and when she got down to the kitchen to make herself some breakfast no one was up yet, not even Molly. Hermione hoped she would be able to finish her breakfast before meeting her, because she really wasn't in the mood to have to deal with her chatting and wanting help with all kinds of stuff, even though Hermione felt much better, she felt too tired to do everything people wanted her to. She got out a frying pan and some toast and made some grilled cheese, which she had loved since she was a kid. She was glad Mrs. Weasley didn't come down early, as she felt sure she would have berated her for eating such fat food. But just as she placed the two pieces of toast on the pan, Remus walked into the kitchen dressed in loose jeans and a t-shirt.

"Morning Mione, feeling any better?" he asked and smiled at her.

"Loads," she smiled, "Want me to make you a toast too?" she then asked, and Remus nodded gratefully. It didn't take many minutes before they were done, and the two sat down to eat. A couple of minutes later Dumbledore walked in. Nobody was staying at Hogwarts over the Holidays so he had decided to join the Weasleys, Harry, Hermione, Remus and Sirius for Christmas, and he had brought Snape with him, as he was without a family.

"Good morning" he announced cheerfully as he walked into the room, and Hermione and Remus answered him politely. Dumbledore waved his wand and a plate of eggs and bacon appeared in front of the seat he had taken.

"So what are your plans for today, miss Granger?" he asked, "I heard Molly needed your help with some cleaning…" Remus looked seriously at Hermione. He knew she didn't want to be bossed around by Mrs. Weasley, but he was unsure if she would tell Dumbledore so or not. But at the same time he was sure that Hermione would hate if he tried to fight her war.

"I actually had other plans, sir," she answered and looked down at her food. Dumbledore raised a questioning eyebrow.

"And what might that be?" he asked. Hermione didn't answer at first, but then after a small while she raised her head and looked at the older man.

"That's my private business, sir," she answered in a clear voice. Remus smiled slightly, he was quite impressed, and it was clear no one was going to talk Hermione out of whatever it was she had planned. Dumbledore looked a little shocked, but didn't protest. This surprised Remus a bit, because Albus Dumbledore had never been a man to stay out of anybody else's business, even if they wanted him to, but Remus was secretly very happy that he had chosen to do so today. Hermione finished her toast in silence and went upstairs to take a shower and get dressed. Half an hour later she walked down into the hallway and put on her coat.

"Going out?" a sweet voice asked behind her as her hand found the doorknob. She turned around.

"Please don't tell anyone, Dumbledore and Mrs. Weasley would kill me, but I need to get out of here for a while," she said, looking at him with pleading eyes.

"Hermione you know it's too dangerous to go out, not all death eaters have been caught yet, and you're still…"

"I know Remus, but I really need to get out, I've been trapped in this house far too long, and there's somebody I need to see," she interrupted him. Remus held her gaze for a long while.

"At least allow me to escort you then," he said with a sigh.

"I suppose I can trust you, and you'd probably be a good moral support," she smiled and turned the knob and opened the door, and they slipped out. The two of them didn't talk much as they took the bus to the edge of London, close to where Hermione's parents had lived before the attack.

"Would you mind telling me where we're going and what we're doing?" Remus asked quietly when they stepped off the bus.

"First I'm going to pick up some flowers down the road," she pointed down to a small florist shop further down the small road, "And then we're going to the church, where I'm meeting the priest. It may be a little alternative, but dad will get a funeral, where at least some of his loved ones will attend. He deserves that." Remus just nodded. Hermione's mom had ordered two large buckets of flowers for the funeral that Hermione picked up, and then she bought one herself.

"I'm so terribly sorry to hear about what happened to your parents Hermione," the lady behind the desk said earnestly, "Is your mom still in hospital?"

"Yes," Hermione nodded, "but she's getting better, and she will be all right."

"You must tell her I wish her all the best, won't you dear?" the lady continued, "And for you too. Please Hermione, you must take care of yourself in these hard times, and not only worry about others, promise me that, won't you?"

"Yes Mrs. Morrison, I promise," Hermione smiled. Mrs. Morrison laid a hand on her should and asked them to wait just a bit longer before she bound one more bucket of flowers.

"This is from Oliver and me," she said, "Take it with you to the church yard, won't you. I know it's not a lot, but I hope you're aware that your mother and you are always welcome with us at anytime." Hermione nodded and greeted Mrs. Morrison, before she turned to leave, but then she though better of it.

"Mrs. Morrison, can I ask you a favour?" she asked.

"Of course, dear. Anything," came the answer.

"When mum gets home, will you please visit her, and insist to spend time with her instead of just telling her she's always welcome? I know my mum, and so do you, and she won't ask for help, even though she needs it, because she would never admit it," Hermione said, and Mrs. Morrison nodded and agreed to do as Hermione said.

"Your mother sounds remarkably like someone I know," Remus said with a small smile. Hermione returned it.

"I know," she said, "But thankfully you didn't take no for an answer, and since that night I've seen that it actually helps, so I wanted my mum to get the same." Remus just looked at her with a smile and put his arm around her shoulders, hugging her close.

The sky was grey and cloudy and it was windy. There was still lying some snow around on the small churchyard, but most of it had melted away. The priest met the two of them outside the small chapel. He greeted them silently. Inside stood an older lady, and looked down at a man in a coffin. Hermione ran over to her and hugged her tightly.

"Oh I'm so happy to see you grandma," she said, her voice relieved.

"Oh Mione, little Mione, are you okay?" her grandmother asked. She was probably in her late 70's. Hermione nodded.

"Yes, considering everything, I'm doing all right," she said, then proceeded to introduce Remus, "Grandma, this is Remus. He agreed to come with me so I could get out. And Remus, this is my grandmother, Josephine Granger." Remus greeted her silently, but otherwise remained in the back. Hermione walked over to the coffin and looked down. It hadn't been closed yet, and she looked down at her father. He had been a handsome man, tall and with dark brown hair, his eyes had been a greenish brown, but they had been closed now. He looked peaceful, but his mouth was twisted in a way that witnessed he had died in pain. Hermione shut her eyes tightly and a few tears dropped down onto the white sheet that covered her father's body. Her grandmother gently laid her hand on the young girl's shoulder, trying to silently comfort her.

Remus thought the small funeral very beautiful. The priest said a small prayer and they sang a psalm. Then a couple of workers in the church closed the coffin, and helped carry it to the churchyard and burry it. Then they went into the chapel again and came back with flowers.

"A lot of family members and friends sent flowers," the priest said as they were all laid down. The news of Mr Granger's death had been in the paper, but it had said that the funeral would take place in silence, and so, people had just sent flowers. Hermione couldn't hold back her tears, there were so many flowers and she was quite impressed. The whole grave was filled with flowers in all colours.

"Wouldn't the two of you like to go with me out to lunch?" the older Mrs Granger asked when they had stood silently for a while. Hermione looked pleadingly at Remus, who nodded. They had been gone for hours anyway, what would it matter if they stayed away for a few more. They went to a small café in muggle London and had a beer and a sandwich and talked about this and that. After a little hour Hermione excused herself to go to the bathroom, and Mrs Granger turned to Remus.

"I just want to thank you for helping my granddaughter," she said.

"Really, it's nothing, ma'am," he answered, but the older lady shook her head.

"Yes it is," she insisted, "I can't be there as much as I want to and with Helen in hospital in the States she isn't able to either. And every time Hermione has mailed me since the accident she has seemed lonely, even though she never said so specifically. I don't suppose her peers have been able to understand what she's going through, and it's important for her to have someone she can turn to and who's close to her."

"It's a pleasure to help her," Remus said, "Hermione has been a lot for everyone, and she's scared to tell many of the others because she's afraid they won't be able to handle her breakdown. And I'm very sorry to say I think she's right. She's been a rock for everyone during this war, the one with the cool and calm overview, and that's how everyone sees her. And most of her friends her age have been lucky enough to get out of the war unharmed. Their families are all right, well except from Harry's of course, but he lost his parents when he was only one year old, so he doesn't really know what he's without, and because of that it's hard for them to take part in her grief. They are all just really relieved that the war is over, and somehow Hermione, and I, don't think they'll be able deal with a sad Hermione…"

"Well, I'm glad you are," Mrs Granger told him earnestly.

"Oh where have you two been?" Mrs Weasley shrieked when Remus and Hermione walked through the door to Grimmauld Place an hour later. Hermione didn't answer and Remus looked sternly at Molly, silently requesting she didn't ask. Molly glared back at him, but didn't say anymore. Hermione walked upstairs where she found Harry, Ron and Ginny talking in the boys' room, and she decided to join them, in their fun, at least they were still there when she needed to laugh.

Remus joined Molly in the kitchen after Hermione had gone.

"Would you please tell me what's going on between you two?" Molly demanded when they were alone.

"What do you mean, what's going on between us?" Remus asked, having a vague feeling he knew exactly what she meant.

"The girl didn't get up yesterday, and went out today without permission, and you were with her all the time. I'm not stupid, Remus, and I won't let you use her!"

"Use her? I haven't, and I won't," Remus stated.

"Why else would she be acting as she is? She was fine up until yesterday morning, and then she suddenly stays in bed, and you were with her. And today you were gone before anybody was up. And she doesn't talk to anyone! She's sad, and it's obvious it's got something to do with you!" Molly was angry, and Remus knew that there was nothing he could say to her without breaking Hermione's trust, that would make the woman change her mind.

"Molly, think this through!" he demanded, "Doesn't Hermione have a reason to be sad? Hasn't she been through more than most people twice her age? Are you really surprised by her behaviour?"

"Yes I am" Molly said, "She's a strong girl, and she was doing more than fine until you came along Remus. I'm so disappointed in you, and I won't have you near Hermione again. Leave her be, Remus!"

Remus just shook his head and walked out of the kitchen. He didn't know how to deal with this, Molly's state of denial was obviously worse than at first anticipated if she would go as far as to accuse him of forcing the girl into some sort of relationship she didn't want. He was sure that if he told Molly what had happened she would think it through more closely, and think twice about it, but he couldn't do that to Hermione. Something in him thought her far more important than Molly, and frankly he would rather have Molly thinking about him as some sort of pervert than hurt Hermione.

He didn't see her for the rest of the day, and he supposed she was with Harry and Ron. So he went to the library to get some peace and quiet, but when he opened the door he found Sirius lying on one of the couches with a book.

"I didn't think you would be home until tomorrow," Remus said, eyeing his old friend.

"I decided to come home a day early, missed everyone…" Sirius shrugged, "So, what happened between you and Molly just before?"

"You heard that?"

"Only vaguely…" Sirius answered, "I couldn't hear what you talked about, only that she was apparently cross with you."

"She was angry that I stopped her from waking Hermione up yesterday and that I went with her out this morning… And as that behaviour isn't like Hermione, Molly has gotten the strange idea that I'm somehow forcing her to participate in something she doesn't want to be a part of," Remus answered with a deep sigh, and sat down on the sofa.

"Like what?" Sirius asked with a cheeky grin. Remus chuckled.

"I think you know," he smiled, "And I hope you know there's no truth to her ramblings."

"Of course… But why didn't you just tell Molly what's happened? I suppose something has…" Sirius said.

"Yeah, something has, but it's Hermione's story to tell, not mine, and I respect that…" Remus answered. Then he leaned back and closed his eyes.

"I suppose that's fair enough…" Sirius contemplated, "and look at the bright side, Molly's probably not going to be bothering you about this and that for a while."

"No, I suppose not, but she will be bothering me to stay away from Hermione," Remus said.

The two old friends stayed in the library throughout the afternoon and evening. They skipped dinner too. Remus didn't think it wise to piss off Molly further, and staying out of her hair was probably the best way to do so. Sirius wasn't really hungry, and he wanted to catch up with Remus anyway.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Hermione actually enjoyed talking with Harry, Ron and Ginny again. She found that she could once again appreciate the company and laugh freely, probably because she had gotten her balled up grief out of her system, and she was so thankful to Remus. She did note that he was missing at dinner, but as Harry had told her Sirius had arrived home from his holiday a day early and he was missing too, she supposed they were probably catching up, the two of them were after all, very close. So instead she decided to just enjoy the company of her friends. When dinner was over she excused herself to go find Sirius and Remus. Mrs. Weasley very obviously tried to get her out of it, but Hermione brushed it off and went upstairs. She found the two of them in the library.

"Hi Hermione, good to see you," Sirius waved her over. Remus looked up with a start and smiled.

"So you got passed Molly?" he raised his eyebrow.

"Hi Sirius, good to see you too" Hermione acknowledged Sirius' greeting before turning to Remus, "well, she did try to stop me, but I don't know why… What have you said to her?"

"Nothing, she just… well…" Remus couldn't really go on, and Sirius started laughing hard. Remus shot him a look, but that only made him laugh harder. When he calmed down Hermione looked questioningly at him, knowing he was more likely to give her a straight answer than Remus.

"Well, let's just say Molly thinks Remus is forcing you into some kind of perverted relationship you don't want," he said matter-of-factly.

"WHAT?" Hermione shrieked, "She said that?" this came more quietly and turned to Remus.

"Not so directly, no, but it was implied," he answered, ever so slightly blushing. Hermione started laughing.

"Well, at least she's taking it well," Sirius remarked to Remus.

"Seriously, the woman is demented, but you're not getting rid of me that easily, Remus," Hermione shook her head and rolled her eyes.

"I should hope not," Remus remarked as she sat down between them on the couch and leaned back. A smile crossed her lips.

"Actually I just wanted to thank you again, Remus," she said turning more serious, "Today, after we came home was the first time in days I've been able to have fun with the others without wishing I could be somewhere else, without just wanting to ball up in a dark room and cry my eyes out. And it's probably because you were there to help me through it." Remus pulled her close and hugged her.

"It's nothing Hermione, I'll be here anytime you need it," he whispered.

"I know," she smiled, and raised her head again.

"So let me get this straight," Sirius said from her other side, "It's about your dad, right?"

"Yeah," Hermione answered, "I found it really hard to deal with his death, but I didn't really dare to tell anyone, because I was so afraid that they wouldn't be able to handle it. So I carried on as if nothing ever happened, and balled up everything inside. But when I was alone I couldn't keep up a façade, I couldn't fool myself and I would cry. Remus found me once, but though I tried to push him away he would have none of it, and thinking it over that probably saved me from going completely mental," she continued her explanation, and Sirius listened closely.

"You know what amazes me?" he asked at the end of her story. Hermione shook her head no.

"It amazes me that you, in a situation as the one you just described, are still able to think of others before yourself, to make sure they're able to handle everything before letting anything on. It's a wonder, Hermione. And sometimes Remus is probably right that it isn't always a good thing."

"I know that now," Hermione said, "But everything worked out all right, thankfully."

"It's not the end of anything yet, Hermione," Remus said, "It's only just begun."

"I know that," she answered, "What I mean is that I can see light at the end of the tunnel. I'm actually able to enjoy what I have and think back on my memories with happiness now. And it probably won't take long before I can talk about things with Harry and Ron either." Both Remus and Sirius smiled, knowing she was going to be all right.

"Well, then we only have Molly to worry about," Sirius chuckled, and the three of them started laughing. They just sat and talked for a while and eventually Hermione fell asleep on Remus shoulder. He carried her to her room an hour later, trying not to wake her up. He succeeded too, but when he came out of her room he came face to face with Molly.

"I thought I told you not to come near her!" She hissed at him.

"Please be quiet Molly," he said quietly, "she's asleep."

"I don't care if she's asleep," Molly said harshly, "I want you to stay away from her, Remus, is that clear? I will not let you harm the poor girl!" Remus breathed in deeply trying to calm himself. He placed his hands on Molly's shoulders and stirred her away from Hermione's door.

"I have not harmed Hermione, and I never will," he started to explain patiently, "she fell asleep in the library and I carried her to bed, there's no more to it. And you are in no place to decide who she can and cannot associate with, that is Hermione's decision, and hers alone, is that clear?" He opened the door to the room she shared with her husband and gently shoved her inside, closing the door before she could say anymore. He sighed deeply and frustratedly and shook his head as he walked to his own room.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Remus was up early the next day, but Hermione had beaten him to it, he saw when he got down to the kitchen. He had barely opened to door when he heard a crash. She had dropped the sugar bowl and it hit her mug full of tea. Both made of porcelain they broke, and the hot tea spilled over Hermione's bathrobe. She let out a frustrated and irritated sound and tears spilled out over her cheeks.

Remus walked over immediately and scooped her up into a hug.

"It's all right Hermione, calm down," he said calmly and smoothed her hair. He could feel her relax in his arms and held her tighter.

"I don't know what happened…" she sniffed, "I just… I haven't really slept well, and woke up in the most awful mood. And it's Christmas, and I just feel like shit!"

"It's ok, Hermione, it's all right, just calm down," Remus' voice had a calming effect and Hermione leaned against him, feeling safe, but the moment was ruined suddenly.

"Remus Lupin let go of her this instant!" Molly Weasley's voice boomed from the doorway. The two sprung apart and Hermione stared at Mrs. Weasley, her eyes narrowed and her mouth set in a thin line. She was angry, very angry.

"Who are you to decide who can hug me, Mrs. Weasley?" Hermione asked calmly. Molly didn't answer.

"Please Mrs. Weasley, tell me. Why do you think you are allowed to decide whom I can be around?"

"He's not good for you," was all the answer she got.

"Not good for me?" Hermione's voice rose, but she got it under control quickly enough, "Let me tell you some…" but she was cut off by Mrs Weasley.

"You have seemed depressed the last couple of days, and it all started when _he_ started to spend time with you!"

"Molly Weasley!" Hermione disrespectfully slammed her hands down on the dining table in front of her, "Regardless of what you might think, you have NO right whatsoever, to decide what I can or cannot do, and with whom I may do it! Is that clear?" Molly didn't say anything, she just looked angrily at Hermione, her mouth closely shut.

"And besides, you have got it all completely wrong! I have no idea how you got the idea into your head that Remus would ever hurt me! But he hasn't and I trust he never will! Remus managed to see what all the rest of you were blind towards. He saw I wasn't well, even if that was what I let on. None of you has asked me as much as one time how I was feeling, and I didn't dare to tell you myself, because I knew you wouldn't be able to deal with it, and by the looks of it you still aren't!

"But Remus forced me to talk, and that's perhaps the best thing that ever happened to me. And it's true I had a couple of days where I was feeling down, but it helped me get everything out of my system, and when we got home yesterday I felt good, better than I have done since my dad died, but you just have to be so ignorant of everything that you manage to ruin that too!" Hermione stalked through the door and slammed it hard, waking the portrait of Mrs Black who immediately started screaming, thus waking the whole house. Remus ran after her out of the house, but she was gone. He walked back into the hallway, where Sirius had just managed to pull the curtains closed around his mother.

"What on earth just happened?" Sirius asked. Remus just shook his head and walked through to the kitchen. Molly sat at the table staring into space, she almost looked scared.

"You better come and tell the kids what happened," Remus told her, "I'm going to look for Hermione." And with that he left her. Sirius followed him out of the house and grabbed his arm before he could apparrate.

"Remus, what happened?" he asked seriously.

"Molly and Hermione had a fight, and Hermione ran away," Remus answered, sounding a little impatient.

"What? What did they fight about?"

"Molly saw me hugging her and started shouting, and Hermione just lost it. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go find her, before she does anything stupid," Remus said.

"But do you know where she is?" Sirius asked.

"I have a pretty good idea," and with that Remus apparrated away.

Hermione sat down on the cold ground in front of her father's grave. The morning was crisp and freezing. Tears spilled over her face, but she made no movement to brush them away. She pulled her knees up to her chin and rocked back and forth for a while, trying not to think of anything, but her mind kept overflowing with memories. Images of her father and her playing and laughing, of the times when she had felt down and he had comforted her, images of her times with Harry and Ron at Hogwarts and of the times she had spent with the Weasleys at the Burrow. The images came in quick succession and Hermione felt it impossible to hold on to one of them, and she felt stressed with pace her mind was working at. All she wished was that her dad was there right now, to comfort her and hold her and tell her that everything was going to be all right. She was filled with emotions she couldn't really comprehend or knew how to deal with. A great longing and terrible grief shot through her continuously, and all the while she felt the strongest hate she ever had, all directed towards Molly Weasley, for being so ignorant and egocentric as to not once worrying how Hermione might be doing, for totally ignoring the fact that she might be influenced by the death of someone so near to her, for choosing to turn the blind eye and refusing to step out of her state of denial.

Hermione was sure everybody would know everything by now, or at least everything Molly could tell them, and they would all demand she told them everything later. The knowledge left her drained and frustrated. She didn't really want to tell everyone what happened, not like this anyway, it should have come up quietly, when she thought the time was right, not because of a fight. Hermione sighed and leaned over the small grave and picked a rose out of one of the buckets. It was a beautiful flower, a deep, intense burgundy red, perfectly shaped petals, and its head proudly raised. She turned it around in her hand and brought it to her nose to smell it, and placed it at her heart afterwards. She closed her eyes and tried to breath deeply and calmly. She didn't hear the steps behind her, and didn't notice the presence of a second person before she heard a voice behind her.

"Hermione, will you be all right?" Remus soft baritone sounded behind her. Hermione started, taken completely by surprise.

"How did you find me?" she asked monotonously.

"I know you," came the answer. Hermione said nothing, just turned her head from him and back to the grave, while she continued to roll the red rose between her fingers. Remus didn't talk either, he just stood behind her, waiting for her to take the first step.

"I don't want to go back," she said after a while, "Everybody's going to want to know what happened, and I don't really want to talk to them right now, much less explain everything…"

"You have to go back," Remus answered, "But we can wait a while, until you calm down. I told Molly to tell the others what happened, and Sirius will be there to tell them what she can't. They will be informed of the state of things when we return, and you can talk to them when you want, okay?" she nodded mutely, and just sat still for a while. Then she sighed and stood up, but didn't move further. Remus took a step towards her and wrapped his arms around her from behind, hugging her close.

"Hermione everything will be all right, I promise you," he said seriously. Hermione turned around and returned his embrace, feeling safe in his arms, just as she had earlier that morning. She looked up at him after a moment.

"Thank you," she said softly, then pressed a small kiss to the edge of his mouth, as if she hadn't been able to decide whether to kiss him on his mouth or his cheek. Remus felt his lips tingle at the soft touch, but as soon as it had started it was gone and Hermione had stepped out of his embrace.

"Let's get back to the others," she said.

Hermione didn't say a word to anyone when they got back, she just walked directly to the attic where she sat down with a book, hoping no one would find her. Buckbeak was no longer there, he had been set free in the forbidden forest after the war. The ministry had after all given up the search years before. The attic was still smelly though, and it was dark. Hermione waved her wand and three burning candles appeared above her head as she settled down against the wall to read. She had just picked up a novel from the floor, probably one Sirius had left there in his time of being trapped in the house. She didn't know how long she sat up there alone, an hour, maybe two. But then someone knocked on the door.

"Hermione, are you in there?" Harry's voice sounded from outside. Hermione didn't answer him.

"Hermione, answer me!" Harry said sternly, but she still didn't say anything.

"Alohomora." The charm was just a whisper, but it didn't escape Hermione's notice, and she sighed and closed her eyes, leaning her head against the wall.

"Hermione I'm so sorry," Harry knelt down beside her and pulled her in for a hug, "I had no idea that it affected you that much, and I should've had."

"No Harry, I couldn't ask you to understand that, not even you. You ought to celebrate everything, you shouldn't have to deal with my being silly," Hermione sniffed, her voice a bit hoarse.

"You're not being silly Hermione! It's ok to be sad about it, and I should've seen and known that you couldn't handle it all on your own, I should've been there for you, because I know what it feels like to be alone. I'm so sorry Hermione, I really am." Tears fell slowly from Hermione's eyes and Harry hugged her closer. They sat like that for at least an hour, talking through everything, and Hermione felt so much better now that her best friend was informed. And he understood, he really did. He didn't blame her for feeling low, he didn't abandon her for not being strong.

"Where's Ron and Ginny?" she asked once they had risen and Hermione had dried her eyes.

"I don't know," Harry answered, "I think they're really embarrassed about everything, because they didn't notice anything was wrong, and because they didn't seem to care. They do care deeply for you Hermione, they just…" Harry didn't seem to know how to continue.

"I know," Hermione said, "They've just never been in a similar situation, never felt the same kind of loss, and therefore can't even begin to comprehend how that must feel. Why do you think I kept it all inside? I knew they couldn't even begin to understand what could possibly break the strong, rocklike Hermione Granger they know, and I wasn't sure they could handle it. And to be honest I wasn't sure you could either." She looked down, feeling embarrassed.

"Why is it you always think of everybody else before yourself Hermione?" Harry shook his head, chuckling lightly, "It's not always good for you, you should've talked to us earlier. Perhaps neither Ron or Ginny will be able to understand completely, but they would've helped you through."

"Are you sure?" The question was simple, but Harry didn't answer, because in truth he wasn't sure. He was sure they would have wanted to help her, badly, but he wasn't sure they would've been able to.

"Come on, let's go down. Mrs Weasley will probably have lunch ready by now," he said softly instead.

Hermione didn't look anyone in the eye when she walked down into the kitchen with Harry. No one said anything. Hermione didn't see Remus anywhere and her heart fell slightly. She had hoped he'd be there for her to hide behind.


End file.
